drive thru bride

*** disclaimer*** i started writing this post about 10 days ago but never got around to finishing it because i was busy traveling cross-country with a toddler, eating copious amounts of food to celebrate the holidays, napping, and watching television.  extremely strenuous work.  i am now finishing this post and will post a follow-up almost immediately after to tell you some really exciting news.

okay, i have been meaning to blog about this because it is just so unbelievably funny.  i have been telling coworkers, family, and any and all acquaintances this story so i figured i might as well write it down, now, while every hilarious detail is still fresh in my mind.

about a week ago, we went to the hubs’ xmas party for work.  it happened to be the same day as my xmas party for work but mine was $10 a person, some appetizers, and a wild game of white elephant.  his included a full 3 course sit down dinner, open bar, and was completely free.  his won (duh).  so we decided to go to his since we’re a)poor and b)borderline alcoholics.  ok, that last one is a little bit of a stretch but my husband always finds it his duty to drink for 2 whenever i’m pregnant.

we arrived with another couple friend and found some seats in the back.  i nearly killed the hubs as we were a tiny bit late and i was terrified we would miss the appetizers.  you can see where my priorities lie.  we did, in fact, make it in time for apps and proceeded to mingle and jingle with his coworkers.  A bit later, his boss stood up to say a few words – the usual “Thank you for being there for the children… you work so hard… enjoy the holidays…” typical shpeel (sp?).  Now, one other think you need to know is that 95% of the schools here in Vegas are named after people, figures prominent in the city that have made some sort of impact on education, that sort of thing.  Additionally, since so many schools are so new with the city’s recent expansion, usually the namesakes are still alive.  We’re not talking George Washington Elementary here, these people could seriously just pop into the school at a moment’s notice to check in on things, send things to the students, and, as was the case here, attend the xmas party.  So Mrs. Namesake was sitting at the head table, in her flashy holiday sweater and large red fabric covered banana clip adorning her hair, sipping on wine and quite enjoying the festivities.  Mrs. Namesake had also wanted to share a few words but, not being terribly comfortable with public speaking had asked the principal to read some she had written down.  now, you have to understand the principal is a very large and tall black woman with a booming voice not unlike, one of my faves, oprah winfrey.  so ms. principal begins to read the little speech which has a lot more of the same “thank you for being there for the children” business in it and all of a sudden, it happens.  the principal shouts, “AND THERE IS ALSO A CHECK ENCLOSED HERE FOR $100,000!!!!!!!!!”

Have you seen Oprah’s Favorite Things show where she gives away ridiculous amounts of gifts and the audience pretty much loses their minds and yell and hoot and holler and pass out and hug, etc, etc, etc?  Seriously, pretty much the same thing.  Everyone started screaming and pretty much losing their shit.  Then came the breakdown of where the money was going…. $10,000 for the Library, $10,000 for the Choir and Music Ensemble, $10,000 for the Art Room….. now did I mention hubs is the ART TEACHER??  So at this point hubs turns to me and says “Did I just get $10,000??”  In my best non-bitter betty voice I tell him “yes… yes you did.”

Now to review, there was an open bar at this shin-dig, and if you remember, hubs likes to drink for 2, sometimes even 3 whenever I am with child, so at this point in the evening he is slightly inebriated kind of wasted.  But of course, we feel the need to go up and thank Mrs. Namesake for her generous gift.  I ask him to sober up as best he can and we make our way to the head table and I am going with him. (I mean, who knows, maybe Mrs. Namesake wants to come to the baby shower?)  We introduce ourselves and she holds our hands and thanks us for being teachers and all of a sudden, it happens.

She asks if we’re expecting.  We tell her we are and she congratulates us and asks if we know what we’re having.  We tell her we don’t know yet and she tells us SHE will tell us and I am to take a step closer to her.  She then proceeds to feel me up and rub me down in ways that probably lead to my becoming pregnant in the first place.  I mean full on up and down with both hands rub down.  Then she asks me to TURN AROUND and rubs me down on the back side too.  I mean on the bum and the hips and all over.  You might be wondering what was going through my head.  Well, the woman had just given my husband $10,000 so I figured I should take one for the team.

Finally after the full on body rub she gives us her verdict.  “It is a girl.  And when she is born, you shall name her…. TREASURE.  Treasure Ann.”  Hubs and I stare at each other, then look at her.  Are you f*ing kidding me? is pretty much all we can think.  But instead we smile and nod and smile and nod some more.  Let’s just say if we name our daughter Treasure and we raise her in Las Vegas, she will most definitely end up on the pole.